The Heart of a Lion

I notice things that people don’t think I do. I notice beer bottles scattered across the floor, ashtrays in the lounge and empty bongs staring back at me. I notice Mum’s door is shut a lot, but the biggest thing I notice is Ben, my older brother. Ben’s the one who cares for me; he’s raised me right from the start. He always puts me first, and always manages to stay strong. He catches the bus with me to school, walks me ten kilometres to soccer training twice a week, only to turn around, come home, cook dinner and then head off to his own training to return later to pick me up again.

I’m not like everyone else though, I know I’m different. I can’t control my actions sometimes, but it’s my brother who keeps others and me safe, even though I lash out at him in return. Why am I like this, I ask myself frequently? I hear people whisper. I hear words like: weirdo, loser, autistic, freak, a lot around distant family members, when they make their seasonal visit, along with my regular checkups at the doctors. But no-one else, like the kids at school seem to notice, or maybe they just don’t notice me?

The rain starts to fall; I pass my misfitted, well-worn jumper, repaired many years ago and in need of repairing again, to Toby and tell him to sit in the corner, as I freeze in my t-shirt. A graffitied three-walled bus shelter, out the front of our house will be our home and bed for tonight. It’s easier than causing a fuss. I want to get angry but I can’t – it’s not her fault, its mine.

Mum came home drunk again tonight, smashing her way through the house, “Out!” she screamed. I picked up my wallet and phone and slid them into my back-pocket and grabbed Toby before he could yell back an angry retort.

I will never understand why but the nights Mum comes home drunk and high on drugs, (she picked them up on the corner, from the boys from school) we are not allowed in the house. She always picks the best nights, and I must say the occurrences of these nights are becoming more frequent.

I awake to the sound of the garbage trucks going about their weekly routine. “Normal life,” I think to myself, but then there’s mine. I scoop Toby up into my arms, struggling to carry him inside. I place him gently in his bed and get out his clothes for school; to save his later frustration and anger of not being able to find a clean shirt, or the second sock to the pair. I walk into the lounge room to find nothing out of the ordinary; Mum looks to be passed out on the floor, beside clumps of spilt drugs. I check her pulse; she is only asleep. I drag her from the floor, lay her on the couch and place a blanket over her; to keep her warm. I vacuum the floor to remove the evidence, whilst she sleeps soundly. This is my home, this is my shelter; it’s like growing up in WWIII.

Jenna; luscious, long, curly brown hair, Tuscan tan, bright green, jade eyes. I love her. I have since I begun high school, those distant three years ago. She’s the most beautiful girl you’ll ever meet and perfect in my eyes. We only recently started dating, but she is everything to me. I really do wish, especially on occasions like this, that I had a nice home I could bring her home to, to meet my family, or money to take her to the movies. I trust her with my life, and have even begun to tell her parts about me I’ve never shared with anyone before, in my whole sixteen years. She helps me to stay strong and to keep my spirits high. Around her it feels like there’s not a problem in the world, it’s just when she’s gone, my world goes back to ‘normal’.

Tonight I repeat the same prayer I say each night we are out of home.

Pa, I know you’re up there looking down upon us and I need you to do me a favour. Please make sure Benny stops crying because I need him. Pa, I just want to run away and not come back to this place called ‘home,’ but I have no choice; I have no-where else to go. Why is Mum like this, and why is Nan so far away? I know Nan does what she can and gives us money from her pension each week, but what does Mum do? I have so many questions and no answers. Why am I like this? It’s not fair on Ben. I love him so much but I can’t seem to show him exactly how I feel towards him. As hard as I try – I have no control over my actions or words, especially when I feel confused and angry. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I do.

“Jenna, I have never told anyone that I have ever known about my life, that’s how much you mean to me. I’m willing to tell you, but it’s important you never repeat this. Ok?”

“Ben, you mean a lot to me, I would never hurt you and I know whatever you’re about to tell me, is important. I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

“My family,” I say, tears welling in my eyes as Jenna’s beautiful and kind eyes return my stare.

“Go on,” she urged, grabbing my hand and squeezing it tight. I drop my stare to the ground and continued.

“They aren’t umm...what you would expect a ‘normal’ family to be. My brother,” I take a deep breath, as I go to blurt the words out I fear the most. “He is autistic.” I pause to ponder my thoughts. Should I tell her about mum too? “My mum isn’t around a lot, so it’s up to me to care for Toby. Just kind of be a parent to him, care for him and assist him with things that he has trouble with doing.” Jenna didn’t hesitate in her response.

“Ben,” Jenny opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by the bell. “I love you, you know that. It just comes as a shock, because I never would have thought that that is how you live your life, day to day. You are so brave, you have the heart of a lion, Benny”

“I know, I know it’s a shock, I’m sorry,” I say blushing about the compliment she had just given me. “Talk to you soon?”

“Yes Ben, we will talk tomorrow. But now I have to go. Mr. Nelson is waiting.” After a brief, awkward hug we departed, with me running off to class feeling grateful for my ‘normal’ life.

I’ve always surprised myself that I have never needed or wanted to take drugs/alcohol to rid my emotional pain. This is despite being surrounded by numerous peers who commit themselves to regular binge drinking weekends, where they drink until they can no longer see straight. All for that brief half hour or so, of feeling nothing. But apparently I’m the one who’s ‘weird’?

“Boner boy, boner boy… Benny is a boner boy!” The taunts echo through the dark hallways bouncing off the walls. “Have you rubbed up with Jenna Humphries yet?” antagonises Tom Stuart – the head of ‘The Bloody Knuckles.’ I smile back. “She’s a catch hey?” They all snarl and stare straight at me, like a pack of hungry wolves, eagerly awaiting their forthcoming prey.

I stick my finger in the air and say “Have a nice day boys.”

This morning started in the usual way. Clothe Toby, make him breakfast, we share the occasional joke and pick up our bags for school. Walking to school with Toby is always interesting. He has taught me three life lessons.

Lesson one: To appreciate nature. One day he said to me, “Ben, when it rains why do you see the rain, but not SEE the rain?”

At first I was a little bamboozled by this statement and I let it be, but then it hit me. I asked Toby, “What did you mean when you said I don’t SEE the rain?”

“Ben! You never take time to yourself, you never appreciate simple beauty. When it rains, every now and then take time to listen to what the rain feels like on your face and sounds like on the trees. Don’t ever forget it. Open your eyes and take in the world, really SEE it!”

But today there were no lessons to be learnt, just lots of interesting details that I walked past, some with a second glance. The blossom trees in full bloom, Mr. Sheppard and his dog (who lived on the corner) winked as we passed and more snails than usual huddled together on the walking path. The air smelt fresh, happiness could be seen even in the clouds today and I was sure that nothing was going to ruin Toby’s or my mood. Today just felt like one of those days where everything was going great. We both entered the gate enthusiastic and ready for the day ahead; the sun was helping this glorious mood. Approaching was the whole ‘Bloody Knuckles’ crew, but I wasn’t scared of them; I never have been. They hate the fact I don’t get annoyed at anything they say to me, they hate that I get all the class awards, they hate that I get along with everyone but most of all they hate that I get all the sports awards. They have been trying to get me to crack for years, but I have never let anything they have said get to me.

“Boil head Benny, how’s that freakazoid brother of yours going? Must be going pretty well since ya mum was down to visit me again last night. That’s the third night this week and if she ain’t popping it, smoking it, swallowing it or injecting it I ‘dunno where’s she’s puttin’ it?” I show them my frozen smile that I save especially for these boys and wish I could dig myself a hole right now. But there’s no time for that. I’ve never given into these boys and I’m not going to today.

“Hey boys and yeah my brother’s going great thanks Tom, and I’m pretty sure mum is ok too. Thanks for asking.” Tom chuckles loudly. Thank goodness they don’t know how intimidated I feel right now.

“I heard you and little Jenna had an intimate conversation yesterday afternoon, somewhere along these corridors.” Tom signals up and down the long, dark corridor but I can’t see anyone about. I swallow nervously and then start to count my breaths, trying to keep them evenly paced. Keep calm, I keep saying to myself, she would never tell him.

“A little something about you and your family I think was discussed? Possibly, even the fact your brother’s a retard!” The anger was boiling inside me, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“ENOUGH!” I screamed. “My brother isn’t a retard! He isn’t a freakazoid! And I think it’s between my family and I what drugs my mum is ‘popping, swallowing, or injecting,’ ok!?” They all bellow laughter, as if I’m from the comedy channel on Pay TV.

“Listen here boy, I had something prepared earlier for you. You don’t tell us, (he signals around the ground of boys), what’s happening, or in your case, not happening, to who and when.” Tom hands me a piece of paper and I hold it limply in my hand. The heading caught my eye. ‘Benny, not just boner boy now but bong boy too, has to help out his poor baby brother the retard.’ Right then and there I wanted to punch him, but what good would that have done really? All I wanted to do was bury my head in my hands and bawl my eyes out; so much for a great day! I slide down my locker and sit on the ground, head in hands and just cried. Everything I worked so hard at to keep a secret, now out on the clothesline for all to see.

“Catch ya later bong boy.” He cackled, signalled to the rest of the group and walked off.

“Attention students and staff, could Ben Ebbs please come to the office immediately,” boomed loudly over the announcement speaker. It can never mean anything good. I’ve never been one of those children where their parents just come in to surprise them, bring them something yummy for lunch or even just bring their sandwich if they’ve forgotten it. This meant only one thing: Tom. I wanted to cry even more for Toby’s sake. I approached the office and just as I was about five meters away my favourite teacher came out, Mrs Neickologhck.

“Ben,” she said gasping for breath.

“Save your breath Ms. I’ve already seen them,” I respond politely.

“Ben, its ok. I know you’re angry, we just have to find out if such speculations such as these are true. We understand you being quite emotional right now, but this is a serious matter and something that can’t just be taken lightly. Please don’t lie to me Ben.” I stare straight into her eyes, as I have many times before; she’s taught me since I began at high school. She has never hurt or betrayed me and I have always respected what she’s said, but why today were the words not coming? Was it because my little secret was out? If I was honest with myself, I’d realise it’s because I couldn’t admit the life I lead to myself. I nod slowly, whilst staring at my feet; I don’t speak a word. I trudge off slowly. What’s left of the day, merges with the night; the memory becoming a blur.

Today my life feels like “Groundhog Day.” Walk Toby to soccer practice; walk home, make dinner, walk back to pick him up, walk home again, put him to bed and tuck him in. Just as I was leaving the room, Toby broke the monotony of the day; he signalled for me to come back to him. The corners of his mouth turned upwards, forming a smile. He reached out his hand and gently placed in on my face. It sent love flooding through my body. He pulled me close, and cuddled me tight. Yet another lesson Toby had taught me through the simplicity of life.

Lesson two: Family and Friends and Love: Never underestimate the power of one’s touch, a simple loving gesture or word. It can be the most powerful of all.

The next day arrives with clear blue skies and birds chirping. There was no usual happy, electric current running through my body today, just the simple feeling of life needing to go on. I needed to be strong for Toby. But love has destroyed me, like it has done my family. The suns heat beats down upon my face, but even my heart feels cold today. English seems to go on forever. The bell rings, I stand to pack up my books and pencil case and then head out the door when I’m stopped by Mrs N, saying we need to talk.

“Ben, after your serious confession last week about your current situation at home, the school has been further contacted. I’m really sorry Ben but it’s in my duty as a teacher. But I also know as your friend that there are things that you may be experiencing that you need someone to talk to about, and I want to let you know I’m always here in confidence to talk to about those things. I know this isn’t the best news for you and I know this really isn’t what you wanted to hear but as a teacher, I’m required to do what’s best for my students and if they are in any kind of danger I’m obligated to report it.

“Ben, I hope you understand this. I care about you and that’s why I’m pursuing this. Child Services has been contacted.

“No!” I pleaded; tears fall upon my cheeks and hit the ground with a thud. I almost surprise myself with this sudden emotional breakdown. “They will tear us apart. No you can’t have,” I say while trying to fight back tears. “He is my brother; he is my best friend, it’s up to me, you don’t understand. You can’t separate us! He is special!” Only I understand him, he doesn’t like people. They will call him simple and lock him up. Please Mrs N please don’t” I cry out, forcing down tears. I feel as though my whole world has collapsed in my arms. All the strength and energy had been drained from my body as I collapse in a heap. “Just leave me” I say pleadingly.

“I’m not going to do that Ben; you’ve had enough of that in your life. It’s for someone to pick you up for once.”

“Ben, are you ok?” I ask caringly.

“I’m fine Toby, I know it’s hard for you though and I’m sorry. I really never meant for anything like this to happen.” Ben replied in a disheartened tone.

“Ben” I pause, I’m surprised of myself, no violet outburst, only a genuine sound of care in my voice.

“I ... I ... I” I say stuttering trying to find the right words. “Ben, even if we have no home; no mum, no family or no food, we can never loose each other because we will always have each other and our memories together. No one can ever take that from us!” Ben looks at me amazed and also inspired.

“Toby, that is the most beautiful thing in the world. You have just proved my third life lesson.”

“Ben, it’s the simple things in life that are generally the most important. You need to keep your eyes and mind open; see the world like I do.” Ben gazes at me bright-eyed.

“Toby, you really are inspiring; I love you,” I smile back at him, glowing from head to toe.

The sun is hiding, no birds are chirping and it even seems like the clouds are fighting with each other, as they brew, dark and grey overhead. It feels like months have passed since that day my world came crashing down before me. It swirls around my head like metallic clanging, as I remember back to that day, although, it was only Monday; exactly a week ago. My life hasn’t changed at all, just my attitude. Keep your head high and your smile large and no one will notice a thing, I remind myself constantly; I have to stay strong for Toby. Mrs Neickologhck strides down the hallway approaching me at a fast pace, smiling cheerfully.

“Great day! Hey Ben?” She says in her usual chirpy but quirky voice. I nod my head. I can’t help but to feel a warm smile spread across my face. Maybe this day wasn’t so bad after all.

“I’ve left you a little something at your house Ben and please don’t return it. It’s a favour; a gift. Please just do as it says.” She says convincingly. I do as I’m told. I feel a thankyou is in order, but I don’t know what it is yet, so I don’t know whether to be thankful.

I approach the big oak doors, belonging to the Art Gallery, I’m curious as to what lays inside. Earlier this afternoon I’d found an amazing suit and tie; the best I’d seen before my eyes, spread across my bed. Attached was a note:

I was certainly intrigued, I enjoyed a great mystery. I opened the door to see hundreds of people seated before me, all gathered around a podium, with a banner hanging overhead. ‘City of Ballarat Youth Recognition Awards.’ I caught the corner of Mrs N’s’ eye, she swung around in an instant, bamboozled by both my brothers and my appearance.

“You scrub up alright,” she winks at me and laughs jokingly and hugs me close.

“What am I here for Miss?” I question firmly.

“You’ll find out soon enough Ben.” She answers reassuringly and grins bright and wide at me.

“Attention everyone, we’d like to get started if you could please take a seat, that would be fantastic,” says the MC for the night. I’m in a daze, it all seems profound and crazy, and everyone here seems to be so famous. Before I know it many names are being reeled off; like the attendance sheet at school, for some reason or another. I’m still quite baffled as to why my attendance was necessary. Until, my name was called out. I looked up in horror and shock.

“Me?! Why me? What have I done?” People around me chuckle. I listen closer to the female MC’s voice now. She continues:

“These are all our nominees for the ‘Young Carer’ award and I would like to congratulate all of you on the honour for being even nominated for something like this. It is certainly a privilege and nothing less than all of you deserve. But we must award a winner. And the winner for the City of Ballarat City Recognition Award, Young Carer Award goes to Ben Ebbs. Could you please join us up here? We would also like to welcome Ben Ebbs nominator Sharon Neickologhck.”

Mrs Neickologhck approached the podium, took hold of the microphone and cleared her throat. You could tell she was hiding the tears in her eyes.

“Ben Ebbs….” She says gesturing towards me whilst fighting back tears. “Is an inspirational young man; he sees a bridge and sprints for it. Life isn’t easy on him and nothing is certainly just handed to him. The few things Ben has in his life, he has earned, including the love and adoration from his fellow peers, but most especially his brother Toby. Being only seven years old when he took on the role of primary carer for his four-year-old autistic brother certainly isn’t classed as the ideal life, but Ben did and continues to care for his brother.

“Whether it is walking him to soccer training, watching his school plays, or even making his lunch and getting him ready for school, Ben does it all. I’ve known Ben since he began high school and I feel privileged along with honoured to know him. He is an amazing student, friend, and young man. He keeps me thriving for life and each day it brings. He constantly amazes and inspires me. Being a teacher, qualities and students like these are rare to find. It would be my only or last wish; If only we could all live by his simple three life rules.”

Everyone applauds loudly and I feel this buzzing of happiness fill my insides; the happiest moment of my life and I’m so glad Toby is here to witness it with me. I reach up to the MC to receive my trophy from her; a big shiny, gold, man, arm held high in the air.

Ben’s mother full of her own pride but never ever so proud in her life, smiles up at her son without him noticing her existence and quickly leaves the room. She quickly glanced back when she reached the door to blow a kiss. “I love you,” she whispers.